I share about fitness and mental health…I am a huge advocate for both. I wanted to share why I am so passionate about these.

Fitness literally, I mean literally, saved me.  I, now,  post and talk about about my journey and share  more and more of it. This is the reason that I do what I do, why I have coached the last few years, and why I started my own health and wellness business.

I want people to know that there is hope and there is healing.

This used to be difficult for me to share and still is sometimes. I used to be afraid, because of the fear of what people would think about me. But, in saying that, I share my story in the hope that it will help someone.

I want to make sure that you know, that it is never too late, you are never too far gone, you are never too old, and it truly isn’t hopeless, even though it feels that it is.

I know there are people who need to hear this… so I put aside that fear and share, now.

Anyway, here it is.

We are so afraid of what people think of us or have fear over allowing people to see our struggles and see what is on the inside. We look around us and think that everyone has it all together and that we are the only ones drowning… But, we aren’t.

I needed to hear this from someone and I know there are others out there that need to hear it, too.

This is why I tell it…

There is a change in the before and after pics that I you see of me. You can obviously see the physical changes. But, what you don’t see is the change that has happened on the inside. It has taken a discipline I never knew I had. It has taken dedication to myself. It has taken consistency. It has taken extremely hard work. But most of all, it has been learning to care about myself and love myself, again, enough to make the changes that I needed to make.

No one can do it for you, only you can do it. What you put into it is what you get out of it. But, when you put your all into it.. everything that you have…what happens is something I cannot describe.

I am not trying to place blame anywhere, but it is what it is…

A few years ago something occurred that literally and most utterly broke me. This had to do with things that occurred with my Father. There are no words to describe the pain that I felt. One of the people I love most in this world, my daddy, my best friend, turned his back on me. He decided I didn’t need to be in his life anymore…He made this decision without me. After trying many many times and begging him to keep me in his life, he still decided he did not want me there.  He walked out of my life and has never come back.

It completely shattered me. No one will ever know how much. Looking back now, I can see that that is where my downward spiral began.

Over the course of the next few years of that happening, I slowly began to sink deeper and deeper into depression. He broke me. I could not understand how he couldn’t love me anymore. How he just could not care anymore. And, I realize, now, that through all of that, I changed, everything inside of me changed.

I began “unloving” myself.

As time went on, I turned to food for comfort. In doing that I developed a severe food addiction along with a binge eating disorder. I cannot even begin to tell you how severe it was.  I would hide, literally hide and binge on unreal amounts of food, every single day. It would bring on a “good feeling.” But, at the same time, a very shameful and disgusted with myself feeling. As time went on, I knew I was hurting myself in doing this, but, in all actuality, I  wanted to hurt myself. I felt I deserved it. I even began telling myself that. I talked to myself so cruelly. I would never speak to someone else the way I spoke to myself, daily.

I sank deeper and deeper and began to self harm.

No one knew these things. The ones closest to me knew a little of my depression and of course they could see the weight gain. But, the extent of my depression… I kept that tucked away.  I would make light of my issues, my weight gain, even my pain over the loss I was experiencing.

NO ONE knew what was going on inside and in secret. The pain, the anger, the damage, the brokenness.

Everyone would look at me and see the same ole happy Angie, never down, always happy, always smiling Angie, always has it together Angie…and, Of course they did.  That is what I wanted them to see. I hid it well. I didn’t share the amount of pain I was feeling over this loss.

I know, now, that I was abusing myself because I absolutely did not care for myself anymore. I felt I deserved all of these things I was doing to myself and needed to be punished and punish myself is what I did, physically, mentally, and verbally.

In the summer of 2018, I was at my worst.

No one knows the depth of the depression I was in at this time. I could not continue to live like that for very much longer.

If I was going to survive, I had to do something.

I don’t know why this particular day was different than any other day. Maybe because I was so desperate for help, I don’t know, but this one day was my turning point.

One day, I began seeing a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a long time begin posting her fitness journey. For some reason, this hit me. I began looking for her posts every single day to see what she was doing. I began to be motivated and inspired by her.

For some reason her posts just caused something to click inside of me. I still can’t explain the sudden mind shift that occurred within me. For weeks I watched her posts, being encouraged and finally one day, I made the decision.

I cry, now, thinking of that day.

Because that day… everything changed, it changed the entire projectory or my life.

I decided, that day…  that I did want to live…I did want to be happy, again… I wanted to be me, again…I did want to care for myself…I did want to heal…that I had to heal.  I needed to love myself enough to change. I decided that I wanted to be here for my family. That I wanted to grow old with my husband. That I wanted to be here and enjoy life with my beautiful daughter and my then, future grandchildren. I decided that I wanted to be the best version of myself that I could be. I decided I wanted to get better. I decided that I wanted to change. I decided I was going to do this journey no matter how hard it would be and I was not going to stop. I was going to do it. No looking back. I was going to completely chan my life.

I decided all of this that day, because there was no other alternative for me except…I don’t even want to say. I cry when I think of where I might be now, if I had not made this decision and acted on it. This sweet friend will never know how much she helped me.

I joined Beachbody and began with working out and changing my eating. I dove right into it with a passion. With no goal in sight or end goal. I was going to embrace that journey and everything that went along with it.  I was building a whole new life. My friend did Beachbody, as well, and I had seen her workouts, so I signed up, picked my program, studied it, studied the eating plan, and set my begin date. You should have seen me that first day. I worked out in my bedroom and did the best I could do with the moves.  It was so difficult. I was so sore the next day and the next day that I could hardly sit down or go up just a couple of stairs. I allowed my body to recuperate and started back up 3 days later. It was ,actually, like therapy for me. After I began working out and working on changing my eating, that same care began to trickle, almost automatically, into every aspect of my life.

I began looking for every way possible that I could care for myself. From the most simplest way to care for myself to the bigger things. I went into scripture and specifically searched out passages on God’s love for us and how He can heal our broken hearts. I spent more time with Him and realized that even though my earthly father had deserted me, I have a true Father that will never leave me and loves me to no end.

Everything began to lighten inside. I was learning things about myself.

A couple of months later, I finally made the step and went to the doctor and sought help in that way. I began therapy. The day I called to schedule my first therapy appointment, I cried on the phone with the receptionist. I was so happy and relieved that I had finally admitted that I needed help and that I was actually going to get that help.

It. WAS. SO. HARD.

EVERY. SINGLE.  change was so HARD. Changing my negative thinking, my negative habits, changing everything was SO HARD. I have screamed, I have cried, I have struggled… but kept going, no matter how hard it was.

I, now, know what I am made of. And, how powerful and wonderfully I am created.

I am no longer that girl that I used to be in those pics I share. She was so unbelievably broken. I think back to her, now, and I can’t help but cry for her. She was in so much pain and so alone in her pain. She kept her pain hidden so as to not affect those she loved, though it did, because I could not be the wife, mama, and friend that I wanted to be.

I am thankful for her, though, because she finally had the strength to say, “enough is enough, I can’t do this anymore.” She made the decision to try to live again. She took those first steps and she was so strong. She just didn’t know it yet.. She started and never allowed herself to look back.

The girl in the pictures that I post, now, is who I am today. I have fought HARD for her..to become her, these past few years. And, it’s not just what you see.

I AM a girl who is taking care of herself, again.

I AM a girl who values herself, again. I no longer want my life to end. I no longer feel that my life is at the end.

I am a girl full of hope, now, when before, i felt there was no hope.

I AM overcoming depression everyday.

I HAVE AND AM overcoming addiction and an eating disorder everyday.

I AM a girl who has worked her tail off to bring herself back from a very very dark place.

I AM a girl who loves herself, again.

I am a girl who knows she is worthy of that love.

I AM a happy girl.

I AM a girl who is living each day to the fullest.

I AM a strong girl.

This is still difficult for me to share. But, we need to show people that we aren’t perfect, our lives aren’t perfect. We struggle, we hurt, we fall… but we can get back up and overcome. These trials, these struggles, make us who we are and also, make us real and human.

Make that first step to take care of yourself. Whatever it is. Seek that help.

You ARE worth it. Believe that.

You ARE special. Believe that.

And, YOU CAN DO IT. BELIEVE that.

There is wonderful and beautiful hope out there.

With God, you can absolutely come back from anything. It is never too late. You are never too far gone. You are never too old.

With God, my beautiful friend, you are,

UNSTOPPABLE

-this is why I do what I do, now. This journey is what has brought me to here. To this moment. From ashes and brokenness to healing. To futhering my education so that i can help others even more. to launching my own health and wellness buisness. To this beautiful life that i get to live, now.

I will be forever grateful for every step of the way. For every step of the climb.

You can do it, my friend, I know you can. And, I am here to help you learn that.

-Angie